Jerking Our Nozzles: Larry Craig’s New Adventure

[Warning: I know that I have many sensitive readers. If you’re easily offended, do not read this post.]

We have all said and done things we regret. Subsequently, we tell ourselves to be more careful with our words and actions. Sen. Larry Craig, however, does not seem to possess that foresight.

Watch this video first. Trust me, writing the transcript will not do it justice.

Larry, come on! Choose your words carefully. Do you have no shame or self-respect? Those words are only going to end up mocking you at the end.

I would now like to translate the words of Sen. Craig in a way that is more in line with the general public’s understanding of him:

It is in our best interest to . . . drill in the . . . forbidden landscape until we’ve . . . penetrated earth’s . . . skin. We should . . . drill hard, . . . drill fast, and . . . drill often, enabling us to . . . extract the earthly . . . fluids out. This . . . nectar can bring us much . . . excitement and . . . jubilation. Our economy will . . . rise, thus . . . elevating our standard of living. Our pumps will be . . . swelling with black gold.

We have . . . grown quite tired of getting our . . . nozzles . . . jerked by foreigners. We should employ domestic means to halt the . . . jerking. We must stand . . . firm on our . . . wide stance. Our . . . nozzles will be much . . . happier and domestic . . . drilling will even cost less in the . . . long run. We should all . . . come together to bring about price . . . shrinkage.